Easy Life vs. Hard Life

Would you rather have an easy life but with a distant God or a hard life but with an intimate, comforting God?

I think that those who cling to safety and dislike challenges might prefer the first. But one can only realize how much more blessed you are when you face the second when you realize how much fuller life is when you let God surround your life.

It takes strength to be willing to step out of your comfort zone and face possible messes but there is a reason why achievement is pleasurable and the idea of victory after long hard work is appealing. I think God designed us to not simply ride an easy way and be fully content, but to need to grow and become fuller and enriched in ourselves. He also designed it so that could only be achieved through work and some bumps along the way.

Free will. Life might be easier if we had not been given free will by God. But He loved us so much (tough love maybe) that He provided us with it. Now we have to make choices, hard ones. But we are empowered as we choose to become more like Him and more like who He designed us to be.

You don’t build up physical muscles and strength easily. It takes a little pain at first as you lift those weights and work out the muscles. You don’t learn to walk without falling down a few times first. Some things certain people find challenging where other things they don’t. But God still places those certain challenges for us in our lives to mold and stretch us. To build our muscles and strength, but not beyond what we can handle. Our Coach knows our limit, even when we think He doesn’t.

Really these challenges are a gift then. He is only empowering us rather than trying to defeat or weaken us.

Hebrews 12:10b-11 “but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace by those who have been trained by it.”

The easier road would make us apathetic and static. It would give us the resistance to understanding the need for a Savior. It would keep us where we were and not enrich us any further. Imagine if it were easy to learn to walk without falling down? We would not appreciate the achievement and discipline it took to walk. Walking would seem ordinary and just another thing acquired. No true satisfaction and appreciation.

With a distant God, our lives could never know how far we could be stretched. How much power and might and wisdom there is to be attained and offered. We would never know true beauty and holiness. Or we might know if it but would have no way of knowing how to attain it. It’s that offering of perfection that is so wonderful but the Holder of perfection not giving us any way to it.

With the hard road, it is easy to be defeated at the hardest point and even wonder what it is all for. Indeed notice that in the quote from Hebrews, it doesn’t say simply: “it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace.” It ends with “by those who have been trained by it.” Simple endurance but no effort to be empowered or trained by a hardship does not add up to anything. One can fall down and get hurt but unless you learn from how to then overcome and not fall down again; unless you didn’t look back and observe and try to learn, but simply fell down, what would you have gained? You will keep falling down because you do not think or look ahead to try and match the person who is already walking. Your harvest comes after training.

But the awesome part is that our God is intimately there to be our role model, trainer and comforter. Really to serve every need we could ever have and to fulfill it.

Job 5:17-18 “Behold how happy is the man whom God reproves. So do not despise the discipline of the Almighty, for He inflicts pain and gives relief; He wounds and His hands also heal.”

God is the reason hardship is worth it. Because we can be like Him. Because He is right there. Because there is more than just a static state of easiness. Because there is someone right there when you most need someone to give you relief.

Pictures from God: God's Purpose fulfilled in All Humans

Today I carefully touch on the testy, perplexing topic of pre-destination and free will. As of now I do not understand that. And I know a lot of people don’t. I am fine with not understanding that right now. Faith can mean not understanding everything as sometimes you feel you should.

But something else I have thought through and understand a little better comes from the verse “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” Ps. 138:8, that in connection with pre-destination. David meant himself when he said “me,” but that can apply to anyone just as the Bible does.

So I know in my heart and own life that will be true. Somehow He will reign in His purposes despite my weaknesses, straying and failures throughout life, what He pre-planned for my purpose to me will be achieved. Whatever good He plans to do through me, whatever works He wants to do through me in particular, it will be done.

“You created my innermost being…Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before they came to be.” Ps. 139: 13, 16. Ah, pre-destination.

How can God’s good purpose be fulfilled in those who either fall away from Him or deny Him from the beginning? He does give a purpose for every human born on this earth, right?

I longed to know, somehow: how God’s purpose could be fulfilled in each human. Mostly I thought of someone I knew well and loved who no longer ascribes to the faith, but has denied God. Why did I want to know that so badly? I realized that it was because I knew that these purposes would please God. What is the ultimate thing in life but to please, glorify God in some way. Glorify Him with some act of love, kindness, some achievement that gives Him credit. Something that shows His presence in this world, in this person’s life, however depraved it is. I wanted to know that this person I so dearly loved would have the chance to do at least that.

I would also add that communion with God is right up there next to glorification of God which leads to pleasing Him. But communion requires belief, I feel, therefore harder to be entirely equivalent to glorification of God in life.

I now comprehended in my heart (not sure of this truth, but somehow it rings true) that undoubtedly our human nature is sinful. We are born in sin and we die because of sin. But even humans so evil as Hitler or those terrorists, did they not have a speck of goodness in their life? Perhaps it was in their childhood before they became so depraved, harnessing evil in the worst way. Perhaps it was one act of helping an elderly person or saying a kind remark to a dejected child. Perhaps it went quite un-thought-of and in a blink of an eye. But in that moment, in that small precious way, God was glorified. Was that person a believer? Was he “chosen,” “ordained” for God’s brethren? Perhaps not. But that person showed even Satan could not wipe out every second of a person’s life and actions with evil. Not one person.

And perhaps, that was God’s “purpose being fulfilled” for time’s history. Perhaps that one act of kindness changed the life of this one child who later went onto glorify and carry out God’s works in a big way or they helped another in a small way, much as they were helped, and the chain linked on. God’s ultimate plan for us all, linked together by small acts of goodness by each person, believing or unbelieving, depraved for 99.9% of their lives or truly righteous in God’s eyes that could result in big one, monumental ones. Because there is that example of goodness, that definition of goodness that everyone knows in their hearts whether they ascribe to it, act in it or not.

Maybe communion with God is not fulfilled in everyone. That takes belief. But one act of goodness does not take belief. Miraculously enough.

I do not understand pre-destination with the combination of free will. But I do know that faced with the truth that many will perish without having known God…at least His purpose was and will be fulfilled, even in them. And that means that at one point in time, they would have glorified Him, even if they did not acknowledge they were doing so.

Quick Extra Word to the Post Below on Idols

Also to add onto the previous post, a word about idolizing personal belongings. Things. Think of it this way: They are unnecessary; only God is necessary. All is unnecessary and will fall away, but God is necessary for survival and the perfect joy, peace, contentment, etc…

Therefore, if “things” are unnecessary, you should be willing to give them up at any moment and not be moved to anger or feeling of loss. They are unnecessary. Make God the only necessary, absolutely-you-will-never-give-up thing in your life. This should not necessarily be applied to relationships with people. People have the Holy Spirit in them. They are in the image of God. Yes, compared to the ultimate God, there are times when you should give up a person into God’s hands and walk away. But, do not simply regard them as easily discardable as you do objects and possessions. Humans, with the Holy Spirit, have a much bigger capacity to impact you in a more meaningful, powerful, valuable way. Don’t let that way have no opportunity if you discard someone easily.

Fighting: Idols--Unsatisfying

Fighting: Idols—Unsatisfying

Idols. Another favorite subject for us all. Growing up, I thought of idols as those scary, crazy gods worshipped by pagans. I thought of idols like Baal in the Bible or any of the other numerous ones introduced to Israel by foreigners.

Now, I’ve come to realize, of course, a more basic definition is: anything that takes the forefront of your mind, attention, sometimes affections, daily actions, sometimes beliefs and viewpoints. And indeed that can be a foreign, false god. Or it can be more seemingly harmless things that creep into our lives without it being obviously detrimental. Job, relationships (all inclusive), money, image and appearance, success, personal items and things, media and all its influences, etc…. Even activities. Even personal ministries.

My idols are always changing. When I think I get rid of one or two, I pick up some more without realizing it. It’s a human cycle that we are always struggling to fight even in wisest of us. It is the struggle to let our minds drift to cling onto tangible, visible things or our own goals, what may start out as a genuinely good, valuable work can take over as an idol, getting in the way of God and His rightful place as your foremost thought and value in life, your foremost affection.  

There are countless reasons why only God should stand in front of everything, have that powerful position in your life. All are laid out across the Bible.

Perhaps the core ones that mean the most to me right now and reinforce my focus are these:

 Dependability. Everything can fall apart. You may rest on one thing, but nothing will remain dependable until the end like God. This is proclaimed by so many in the Bible. Ps. 62:6, a famous verse, “He only is my rock and salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken.”

Wisdom. “With Him are wisdom and might; to Him belong counsel and understanding.” Job 12:13. There are foolish things out there to be idolized, and even wise, discerning things…but wisdom ultimately comes from God. And anything other than God will eventually run out of wisdom and understanding.

Intimacy. Not only does He know every part of you, past, present and future, He wants to be close to you, to commune with you. Not only does He know every fiber of your potential and glory He created in you, He is by your side the most, sees all that you suffer, all your joys, all that you wish sometimes others could see and understand.

Love. Wow. Just that. He is Love. He created it, he gives it, he knows it better than anyone, he knows the truth of love and not the definition of it juggled around by many humans across time. He gives it in the most all-powerful, eternal, yet tenderly gentle way. Anyone who knows it could write endlessly about it.

The most recent one today that God spoke to me about was satisfaction. Once I comprehended that simple statement, I felt stupid for not grasping that.

“He will always provide for your needs and satisfy your soul beyond all you could ask or imagine.”

I read that and it filled me up in that wonderful way when you realize more of God’s glory. Nothing will satisfy me like God can. The marvelous thing more was the phrasing of that statement. It not only says that you will be satisfied, but there is the capacity to be satisfied even further than how much you believe you need to be satisfied.

Satisfaction is a perfect combination to along with that “peace that passes all understanding” and untouchable joy that I’ve grown in. That carries me through the worst and the best. That makes each day, mundane or wonderful, stressed or relaxed (preferably the latter) a joy, a miracle, a blessing. I am satisfied because of God. Because how He teaches me to be at peace, to have joy, to be satisfied in Him or whatever He gives me. Because He gives me something every day. Even if it’s just waking up to a bird singing outside my window (in a noisy, sketchy, chaotic, city neighborhood). That bird is God’s creation, so small and yet untouched by any of this environment. Beautiful, reminding me that I have another day blessed to me by God to expect more joys from Him, more understanding to be learned from Him, and it’s with song, something my musician’s heart loves most. He knows this. He knows just what touches me.

And so, in the midst of my distractions with idols. I have simple statements I apply.

_______ can never give me the ______ I seek. (or take away the _______ I have.)

Some I have my heart on and have stated to myself sometimes over and over again:

_______ can never give me the love and devotion I seek or take away all the loneliness I have. (this all encompasses my need for many things not just company or care but affirmation, approval, etc…)

______ can never give me success that I seek because if it’s of my own human efforts alone I will fail.

Sleep/TV time/restful activities can never give me all the rest and peace I need. Only God has the power to restore me mentally, emotionally and physically in a 100% capacity not in a 45% capacity or just for the day…and He can do it even in a second.

Religious Legalism vs. Lax Attitude

Religious Legalism vs. Lax Attitude

Recently, in my small group we have been throwing around the idea of a legalistic attitude as Christians (and spread in other religions based on salvation through acts like Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witness, Islam, Buddhist, etc…) versus the lax attitude that some Christians can take by once accepting grace and forgiveness of sin through Christ’s blood, then they think “if Christ’s blood covers all my sins and God gives me grace, then I don’t have to worry about anything extra” or even to the point of “my sinning is all right, because God loves me and His grace sufficiently covers it.” The attitude that coasting along without any real effort is all right.

            How do you find the balance though?

           Christian legalism. Something more of us possess than we realize or admit. I see it all the time. Predominantly, unfortunately, I see it drive away other Christians or would-be Christians in its unforgiving, hard look at your walk with God and living a Christian life. The idea of once you’re saved (or maybe how you even got saved) acts define your standing with God…your glory in heaven, your ability to even get into heaven is a result of your good acts, that list. Did you attend church on Sunday as expected? Did you do your daily devotions? Did you even witness to someone? Do you serve the church in some way? Do you hit yourself over the head when you sin even just a little? Time to ask God for forgiveness for that small thing. Keeping that checklist going allows you to know how you are doing in God’s eyes. It’s that certainty, that list that the more you check off the better you are, the less you’re able to get to in life the worse of a person  you are. The same goes for everyone else in your eyes. So it becomes easy to criticize or at least feel tempted to criticize when someone doesn’t show up at church every single Sunday or they haven’t given time for a daily devotion in the last six months. Everyone loves a checklist. (Monday, our speaker explained this is probably why religions like Islam and Mormonism are so rapidly spreading.)

            But there’s also those who accept sin in their lives and excuse it with God’s gift of grace. “I’ve been saved; I’m getting into heaven; ‘no one has the power to snatch me from God’s hands’ as the Bible says, I’m good to go. Just hang around until Jesus returns.” They deny what sin is doing to their lives and how changed they could be if they only strived more and walked “sober [or self-controlled as some versions say] and alert.” (1 Thess. 5:6).

            I also wondered myself how to explain this balance if ever confronted by one whom leaned to one of these extremes. I think realization began as I read 1 Thess. 4:1-2 which talks about Sanctification. It kept repeating the phrase “so you can excel more.” Paul entreated the Thessalonians to keep on doing the work and growth they had already begun. They were doing well, but to “excel still more” past what they were already practicing. Some might see this as an encouragement or emphasis to do more good acts, add more items to their checklist.

            But I saw it as not items on a checklist but the quality of life. Reflecting in my own life, I only know now at this certain point in my journey with God how much more well and joyfully I am living having come this far with Him. I always made progress, but for some reason, before I never really realized the difference it was making in my life and just what these efforts on my part would do for me. And what changed my life were not my own acts, because I admit there were long periods where I did not go to church or do daily devotions. But (though I didn’t feel so at the time) that did not mean I was not progressing with God. That did not mean I was a lacking Christian. Progression and being in step with God does not always mean acts. The pivotal part that changed my life was this: opening my ears and heart to Him. He then opened and is opening my eyes. Maybe that’s why only now I actually see the difference of the quality of my life now.

            Where I couldn’t bear pain and human rejection and disdain I now can face them joyfully. When I shrank into the corner, all I could see was that pain and sometimes anger I felt. Now I don’t shrink, but pray and stand the higher…and most of all wait. Wait for Him to act. See? I said “wait.” That involves some uncertainty and standing in mid-air. But I don’t just wait, I also stand and pray. That’s balance. And my life quality is not blooming necessarily because I attend church more now, because I minister more now to others, because I’m involved in a Small Group, because I have more devotions with God. Those things give me joy because God taught me to be joyful in Him, not in reliability of my own effort or acts. I act because I have to act when you know and feel what God has given you and wants to share through you. Because I am thirsty to know more about Him. Because I want to continue to have a more joyful, rock-solid on God life…not rock-solid in certainty or understanding of everything, but on the dependable rock of God. Why hang around on where you first began in accepting Christ’s blood and God’s grace when you can climb higher to more beautiful territory? And it’s not on self-effort. Because you will be weary one day. Very weary. But God supports you and if you let Him, He will not let you fall on the ground, caving into what you cannot do on your own. But it’s much more beautiful to continue taking steps with Him leading. You only stray further, distracted by the familiar surroundings if you do not push ahead with God, so, as I see many do, you end up going backwards where you came from rather than even staying or moving forward.

            The balance is not considering good acts necessary or a scale for your conscience. Lax attitudes in life deprive you of so much and yes, it’s hard between admitting your foolishness or walking through those “trials that are like water” or walking blindly with God when you begin to see how much more there is and want it immediately…It’s pivotal to give up control of your fate and stance in life and the ability to “earn salvation.” It’s necessary to follow God and have self-control not only to please Him but to endeavor to take part in that more beautiful world that one can never find without the hard steps of walking past the doorstep of salvation and further into the journey of being a disciple of God. You may have God’s grace and forgiveness and unconditional love but at the end of the age, when you look back, how have you pleased God? What jewels have you earned? Did you not waste your life in laziness never knowing the beauty your life could have held and the ways you could have been further pleasing and giving joy to your Creator and intimate Father?

Pictures from God: Surpassing Greatness

            Eph. 1:18-19

“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you may know…what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.”

I read that today and a hard time with it. And one main problem arose in my mind that I struggled with:

If God chooses to give that to me, what would that look like in my life? What does that look like in the lives of others who have chosen to believe? I think of “great” people and I think of course of Paul who changed so many lives through his works. He was great. But what about those who in history and today do not receive much credit for their greatness? Maybe they are great but their greatness is not celebrated famously. Is that still “great?”

            In my life, I realized recently, as I’ve been discussing with God, my need for confirmation in order to feel successful or noteworthy, inspiring, great, etc… So much so that it is hard for me be satisfied or enjoy anything, private or public, if I am not confirmed by at least one person (preferably more) in the area. Recently it has been with composing. I write something and even if I finish it and really finish it after some editing, I am still not quite satisfied. I try to voice my emotions/thoughts over a specific thing in the piece and it pretty much comes out, but the style, that style I can hear through each song whatever it is about. And it’s my style. Unfortunately, I do not entirely like it right now. I could never really understand why, when I finished that song, I was still not satisfied with it. In fact in general I am unsatisfied with my compositions. I realized later that it is because no one has confirmed it with any adjectives like “inspiring” or “beautiful” or “unique, but good” so how can I be satisfied? (not saying this is logical) I have been confirmed in my piano playing, for instance, or my fashion and so I am satisfied and enjoy them no matter if they are successful or not.

            Apparently some part of me which is never really admitted to the larger part of me needs that confirmation. And I wish that I could enjoy something, think well of it as pleasing until to the Lord and not be unfulfilled in private or public endeavors.

            How does this apply? Well what if I am never confirmed as “great,” never truly recognized, as some aren’t. Does that make all of us middling?

            And then God said to me: “Do you have to be recognized by humans in order to be deemed ‘great’? Can you not believe I have given you this surpassing power as I have said, and believe that you have it? Many seem weak but they are strong. You know this. ‘For when [you] are weak, [you] are strong.’ (2 Cor. 12:10b) Faith is believing in what is unseen and unheard. I am teaching you another lesson of faith, and you also wanted to learn to not need confirmation for contentment in your abilities, I am teaching you that. Believe that you have greatness and My power and go forward.”

I may or may not be ever recognized for any “greatness” but faith in what He gives should sustain me. He said He would give, so He will.

So what does that look like? What if right now I am not doing anything splendid? Not raising up churches or performing miracles? (example only) Joseph was in jail for years before he ever set about God’s work actively. So was he not great while sitting in jail? Were those years wasted? No, greatness can be just pleasing and glorifying God every day, in everything you do.

Pictures from God: Why does God hate sin?

Pictures from God: Why does God hate sin?

"The Lord hates sin, [not you when you fail] because He loves you--because [He knows] sin devastates your soul."

When I read that today, it definitely opened my eyes. I realized I had never associated love with God’s reasons for hating sin. I knew on one end that He loves in the most powerful, all-consuming way, in a way that I could use endless adjectives to describe it. I also feel that God hates sin because that it puts a blot on His creations (and all that encompass that from the world to animals, nature, humans, etc…) Not that Satan has total victory and totally destroys any last trace of God on His creations but that sin has imperfected what was perfect. But I never connected God’s love for us with His rejection of sin and all that it is.

Because He loves us so much, and He knows the devastation, the horrible impact of sin on us body and soul, He hates sin. Our devastation pains Him so He hates sin. That is one aspect of God’s rejection of sin that I now understand. And it really amazed me, as He always does.

The definition of "respect"

The other day I was praying and suddenly realized, I was talking to God in my usual rather casual, eager self as I lay down to go to sleep (I usually talk this way in the darkness and privacy at night after the day has ended) how informally I was addressing this King of Kings and great I Am. I caught myself winking and even pointing at Him and paused in embarrassment. Did I just do that to my God who sits on a high throne? And then I asked myself the question: was I being disrespectful?

Respect…I always know I need to show it to God, to my elders, really to everyone in general, but especially the elders and God. I always know and agree that showing “respect” is putting those above oneself, honoring them, submitting to their will even. But I always realized then that I associate containment with respect as well. Containment of self, which usually requires reservation of blunt gestures and behavior, talking in quieter tones, not show too much of my spastic side, and of course no vulgarity or show of natural humanness. All these are increased in degree depending on the eminence or status of the entity. And God is the highest of them all.

But then how does that coincide with the concept of God’s absolute love of His creation and His perfect knowledge and acceptance of us through Jesus? Doesn’t total acceptance mean acceptance of all flaws? He knows we are human; He does not expect us to be perfect and realizes that even more than we do sometimes. So why should I “contain” myself, any of myself, for the sake of “respect?” He knows all sides of me, accepts all sides of me, rejects the sin yes…but is full of grace and love.

When did containment become associated to me with respect? I wondered that. The education of the expectations of humans. I was raised well and was taught well in manners and what is to be expected in conduct with others. I value this education. And yes, humans define respect in association with containment, I think. Maybe it started in the 19^th Century when modesty and “children say nothing at the table” sort of attitude and conduct was expected and demanded. Or even before that with the Catholic Church. Maybe humans feel the need to suppress the obvious fact that we are so horribly imperfect, so that attempts to “contain” what was defined as “bad” and “imperfect” behavior was then associated with “respectful” conduct and that definition of “bad” behavior was grown over time.

Proverbs give verses like: “He who winks the eye causes trouble, and a babbling fool will be thrown down.” (Prov. 10:10) or “He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles.” (Prov. 21: 23)  Also one of the fruits of the Spirit is “self-control.” With humans, I acknowledge all this is especially important. If one speaks carelessly and says a falsehood or something unintentional, another human may be deceived in two ways: considering the falsehood true or mistaking the unintentional remark with as having a bad intention or meaning behind it. How could they read into what you meant? And how could they be wise enough to know wrong from right if you speak something as truth? Therefore, it IS important to “bridle the tongue” as James speaks about in order to avoid the important weight of words (yes words are very influential whether you mean them to be or not) influencing for the wrong. But don’t mistake a young spirit for non-self-control.

Timothy says “Let no one look down on…youthfulness.” (1 Tim. 4:12) A youthful innocent, pure spirit is a praise-worthy trait in a person. But lack of consideration, immaturity in the way of attitude (which results in certain actions) and such is not righteous.

With God, though, I also realize, unlike limited humans, He has full knowledge of your past, present, and future, of your innermost being and all that it contains, He is your designer, He knows the effects sin has on His perfect creation and what that means, He is filled with love, despite all this, and acceptance and grace. He never misunderstands but fully understands. He never criticizes (but rebukes of course, as He should) but acknowledges imperfections and has grace and even, I personally believe, joy in the midst of imperfections, knowing that though there are all these imperfections, He has created something truly wonderful and is proud of. So the imperfections, in the end, dim in what He sees compared to the beauty of what He sees.

So with God, containment is unnecessary. He understands if you blabbered something foolish unintentionally, if you show that rather embarrassing, casual, natural side of you and He does not misunderstand or become impatient but rather smiles and simply knows. Knows what even you and I don’t know or comprehend.

And so, I accept my imperfections and show respect to God but not by the human-applicable definition of respect. And as I have “oops” moments with imperfections or speak rather casually and comfortably with God (at times, though I do believe in formal times with bowing and showing not only in mind but body of respect and reverence to God) not bothering to fall on my knees every time I submit a prayer to Him or decide to speak and share with Him in conversation, I am certain He accepts this and even smiles.

Pictures from God: Love's Butterfly

Pictures from God: Love’s Butterfly

In this catching of the right butterfly, this right one created for you by God, it is hard and takes endurance. Butterflies are very beautiful but also they are fragile and hard to catch. Sometimes it feels like you’re reaching for something that’s not there because most of the time you only grasp air. Is there really such a thing as a butterfly?

 Another problem is after you decide you can catch this said “butterfly”, you find that they are all quite beautiful, as they clump together flying here and there, so many distract easily from the one you are looking for. You may catch one in your hand, even after grasping at the air again and again hopelessly trying to catch the right one, and it may be very beautiful. It may look perfect, but only God can tell you that it isn’t perfect and does not have your mark on it. To someone else, it will be very beautiful and perfect. So let it go gently and keep grasping for that air.

Don’t ever use a net to catch many at once. You’ll pick up a lot of bad ones and possibly hurt them and others as you wave it around, netting them in. It seems and probably is a quicker way of catching one but it’s entirely the wrong way. Because there is even less likely you’ll catch the right one. And if you do, you might just scare the right one off!

So continue to use your hand, but not too much. You make lose energy in the hand and feel defeated from failed attempts. Be patient and don’t worry or get distracted by a beautiful one you’ve already caught after grasping again and again in failure however few or many times you try to grasp, looking around. But, with God’s help, you will find the perfect one and it will be so much more beautiful than all the others. And catch it gently, don’t let excitement make your hand too harsh and thus result in crushing it or frightening it. But the gentler and more patient with love and respect of God’s creation that you approach and catch it, the more it will love you in return and stay in your hand.

Pictures from God: Trials--Like Wading Through Water

Trials are like wading through water with God. God leads you to the water on the way of your path with Him in life and says to you: “We need to go through this.” You can try and pull away, run around it, refusing to wade through because you’ll get wet and even muddy. But you’ll only be wasting time rebelling, because the way around it leads to worse places. The way to the path of righteousness with God, to heaven is through that water at this point in your path.

Trials are necessary like that, and it’s no use to avoid them…that not only avoids continuing down the journey and the teaching God leads you through (in this case not something very pleasant) but it’s also running around to a wrong bend in the wrong direction of heaven, and if it’s the wrong direction, it’s not heaven but something else, something away from righteousness.

So wade through, and as I do, always stay with God, especially through the hardest middle, because He knows the best way to get through the water, where it is less deep and boggy and dangerous. You’re still wet but you avoid the worst of it with His help. If you try to leave to early, you’ll get very wet and it won’t be easy to get dry again once you’re at last (however long that takes and that is depending on your trust in God and willingness to follow Him completely) out compared to if you had followed Him and let Him lead you through the water.

And once you’re out, you’ll realize why you were led through the water in the first place…or maybe it’ll take you a little longer down the path to learn why…but God will show you why. Those are trials that teach you and aren’t pleasant but don’t avoid them and always trust God while wading through them.

PIctures from God: "Waiting for Him"

I kind of dislike the commonly-used phrase “I’m waiting to get married” or “I’m waiting for that special guy.” I never could put my finger on it until the other day while one of my usual talks with God.

Who says I’m waiting? That implies I’m standing in one spot looking around for the guy and staying right there until he comes. No, I am not in one spot putting so much on the one guy that I have to stay there. Rather, I am walking with God through many journeys as He continues to introduce me to the things He has planned for my life before meeting that guy. They change and mold me for the better for that when we do come together (as He has already begun molding that guy) we will then, with God’s help, be molded together. I am trusting God, looking nowhere but God. There is no point in keeping an eye out for that guy. I may cast my eyes now and then in anticipation, but why should I actively search? Why? Because, at that time of God, He will be the one to stop (because He knows exactly who that guy is, whereas I have no idea) and say to me with a smile, “There he is. There is the one I’ve picked out for you.” And he will point over all the heads to the one guy. And I will smile too. Together He will lead us as we come together and join hands. And then we will not stop; we, together, will keep following on that path with and towards God. And then our children will come alongside us and we will keep walking with God until that end of reaching the pearly gates.

There is no waiting around. That would only be meaningless and a waste of time. Because how then would we find each other? We do not know what the other looks like. Yes, technically, I am “waiting” or “reserving” myself for that guy. But I am not stopped. And I have hope enough to keep walking though it may lead me away from him. Because God has my good in mind, He will not let me drift far that I will never find the guy. And I pray that be true of him as well.

Pictures from God: Breaths in Life

Pictures from/of God: more and more He gives me on my life journey with Him… I say “a picture” each time, I think it’s more Him revealing glimpses of truth and developing those truths into the full picture. I am human; I can only take so much *said jokingly* I realize I am very petty, weak and pathetic. We are all. Don’t ever be arrogant no matter your age/place in life and say that you aren’t.

I will mention these pictures that give me insight and further my journey into fighting off my present and past and into the future as I put together the pieces of this sculpture with God.

The other night, after another “brain-weary” day as I mentioned in an earlier post, I was praying and thinking (as they usually go together) about…well everything…point blank. I thought of my recent growing experiences with God and joked to myself: “Can you keep up with everything He’s doing?”

            I saw the picture of me and Him on this path of life, my life in this case, with Him. I always pictured us walking in various pictures (which you will see many references to in posts) on that journey. At this point, I feel us beginning to pick up the pace nearly running since I took a personal “plunge” as I called it about two-and-a-half months ago. So I asked myself: “Can you keep up with everything He’s doing—now that He’s running with you?”

            So I prayed with that picture in my mind with a smile: “God, I don’t want to slow down, but please help this child to keep up because I’m not as fast as you.”

            And then God gave me another picture in response a few days later. This one is where we are not running at all. Indeed, we are still walking and He is holding both my hands as He leads me, because I have my eyes on Him. I say the same prayer. “God I don’t want to slow down but please help this child to keep up because I’m not as fast as you.”

            He laughs at my comment, seeing my feelings of being rushed. He replies with a loving, bemused smile “We’re not running.”

            “What?”

            “We’re not running. We are still walking, and I am leading you as I show you your capabilities and bring all the gifts I gave you to their fullest, but I am not rushing you. We are still walking. But if you feel out of breath, rest, my child. Rest. And breathe. You have to remember to do that and then you won’t get tired. You’ll realize we are still walking.”

            So I realize what I have felt in the back of my mind for some time is true. I have felt some shame, I admit, when I rest because I am already at home so much that I feel I am already resting. But I am not. When there have been those decisions to sleep a little later, take a nap mid-day, simply do nothing eating and watch something whatever that might be, I should not feel guilty. Because I might be at home, but I am not resting the whole time. I am working…working in a way that I did not consider work as I know it before.

 I assumed work was attending to career duties, whether that be going in for the job, doing job-related tasks at home, etc… or work would be also work as a outreacher of God: some ministry work, whatever that might be, some furthering of His kingdom. And I felt guilty for presently not attending to any of that for a considerable amount of hours of my week. I felt there was something missing. I should be looking more for ministries to be involved in. Why could I not find one? And I didn’t find one I was wasting the time given to me by God. Every day, every hour blessed to me by God.

And then that progressed to me realizing God had me at a part of the road that seemed like a stopping point but wasn’t. I acknowledged and acknowledge that my relationship with Him has never been more thriving and growing every single day. But I also realized my “free time” was also fine. If I hadn’t found a ministry or wasn’t filled with students/work every day that was God’s will. Maybe He had a ministry for me in mind but will not show me until that time has arrived.

            And then came the realization, when I realized all the things that were emerging on my heart to pursue, things I wouldn’t call “work” in my terms, were my work. Just because they take place at home and are unofficial does not mean they are not work. They were a different sort of work I had never considered.

            And so even though I am at home, that is not “resting.” And the times I felt guilty for that extra nap or sleeping in or that entire Sunday afternoon after church, before Bible Study, that instead of “using” I could slept…I then realized God didn’t and doesn’t grudge me but rather reminds me to do. So I can take those breaths of relaxation that I thought I was taking with other certain meager things but wasn’t.

So take breaths of peace in your day. It seems like a simple concept widely advised. Then make sure to take that advice J Because you might not be resting when you think you are.

If anything here is this verse:

“It’s useless to rise early and go to bed late, and work [I put here strive for myself] your worried fingers to the bone. Don’t you know He enjoys giving rest [real rest] to those He loves?”

Ps. 127:2

Fighting: Fulfilling God''s-given Capabilities in Myself

I still struggle more and more every day to fulfill my intellectual desires and capabilities. It is a struggle because in the midst of all this creativity, development, insight and skill, I am constantly distracted, jumping on too many different ideas and then barely able to remember half the things I touched on…too many times I feel I have to write everything down and by the time I attempt to, it has all passed. My focus is thrown off more and more as my intelligence shines more and more until the point that my brain is very weary at the end of the day by this struggle. I now pray at the beginning and every end of the day for brain power and energy to accomplish the things God wishes me to.

Sometimes I wonder how more wonderful my various works and talents would come to be if I didn’t have so many mental distractions and a whirlwind of unfocused thoughts. I think Satan knows God gave me such a genius that could influence so many if used in the right way with the skills God gave me that he has given me my mental flaws to thwart this genius I am honored with by God. But I know God’s plans will surface nonetheless. And I am trying my hardest, fighting with His power, to make them happen. It is frustrating when I can’t achieve all and solidify to show to others all the things I am discovering and doing but that does not stop me from fighting every day to make whatever I can grab at permanently set to blossom.

Fighting: My Need of Stability

           I need security more badly than I think (in my life that is). I’m a planner. I don’t know quite when that began. Maybe when I was seven and started a so thorough regular, planned cleaning of my very girly, childish room. Maybe when, in our newly built modern but emotionally chaotic house, I decided and tried to implement planning out every second of my day with a schedule at thirteen. But, in even little things now, that seem normal, like planning dinner, outfit and other appearance elements, what I’m doing with my free time that day, maybe even tomorrow, what order I’m cleaning, what order of tasks I’m doing, what am I going to watch when I eat dinner, etc…. they all add up to something quite meaningful. And if I don’t figure this out? Then I feel very frustrated inside. Also, I am very “do this the same time every time” I brush my teeth the same way, I eat the same set of meals/cook them in the same way, wash their dishes in the same order/way every month planned out. I do some many things in the same way I don’t even remember half of them because by now it’s been so naturally engrained.

            I probably sound like a book-definition case of some sort of anxiety/compulsive disorder: the very case I’ve wanted to avoid for my own personal reasons. I’ve accepted, with some reluctance, my Bipolar Disorder and all that adds up with it….recently I’ve accepted my probable, unofficial ADD. But any mental impact related to anxiety is one mental handicap (I don't use the word as shame and weakness but meaning a sort of barrier to complete normalcy) I most want to avoid and is very hard to even remotely acknowledge. In any case, I do not know or care what people may assert or not assert. This is my existence as it is, whatever the cause(s).

            Back to the original dialogue, my mom and I were discussing how I feel I could never marry an entrepreneur-minded man. She said it well what I could not put my finger on. “You’ve had so much instability, you need (and seek) security in a man.” That led me to think about all these things that have added up from my habits to that perspective and other things….now I realize I really need security. Why? Because I’ve had instability in my life but also more and more I realize how I’m unstable. Not emotionally, habitually, spiritually, etc…I am happier, more stable than ever. But…I am over hyperactive, I do ramble, I do have Bipolar, I am that planner, I do lose things objects, I am a klutz, I forget certain things easily with lack of focus, I am easily distracted, I fidget almost constantly and can't sit still for very long, and so many other things...

            But. I am strong. I fight for stability. I fight to overcome my need for planning and instead I give it to God and relax myself. I fight when I help remind myself of where I place things, of focusing, of keeping track when driving, of using skills to help me in driving directions so I don't get lost in the midst of this big city I am new to. I fight when I laugh at myself when I fall down, drop my keys and then my lunch and then my purse and then my groceries! I fight when I make jokes about my needs for planning for making a list for a list for making a plan for a plan. I fight when I focus on the happy times instead of the times I cry. And you know what? I collapsed, crying in the closet for an hour the other day (for the first time since coming to Dallas) with everything adding up so I cracked….My mind pounded…I laid down, calmed for fifteen minutes. And as I dressed for work, I was already laughing. Back then, I never laughed when that moment (which added up to a thousand) happened. This is now because I have fought all my life. And I have fought with God’s power. Almost every day I can tell you some habit I have decided to butt heads with and try something (wildly) new.

Initial Explanation

This blog is temporary or permanent...that remainds to be decided. Right now, it is to keep those interested informed of my thought/experience progress as I am developing.
This blog does lead me to another intent of mine which my later be revealed.

In any case, if you wish, visit now and then to read my various updates.

Yes. This is personal. But it is also to reveal the inside of a struggling, but fighting and overcoming genius who was broken, rasied by God and is shining the brighter with God.

I am a writer (not by career but by nature). I must put these thoughts down and because I think some may be interested I am sharing them.

This will reflect and sound very young in language. I have a young heart and this is not a proper textbook. This is a voice from my heart with the insights of a young twenty-something who is even younger in spirit. And though sometimes I am embarrassed by this fact, I also am proud, because I remember that God loves the innocent and the young. And I am proud that I still have breaths of innocence and youth despite my scars from the past that all adults carry in some form.

 

This is the explanation so you know what you are getting yourself into. ;)