I need
security more badly than I think (in my life that is). I’m a planner. I don’t
know quite when that began. Maybe when I was seven and started a so thorough
regular, planned cleaning of my very girly, childish room. Maybe when, in our
newly built modern but emotionally chaotic house, I decided and tried to
implement planning out every second of my day with a schedule at thirteen. But,
in even little things now, that seem normal, like planning dinner, outfit and other
appearance elements, what I’m doing with my free time that day, maybe even
tomorrow, what order I’m cleaning, what order of tasks I’m doing, what am I
going to watch when I eat dinner, etc…. they all add up to something quite
meaningful. And if I don’t figure this out? Then I feel very frustrated inside.
Also, I am very “do this the same time every time” I brush my teeth the same
way, I eat the same set of meals/cook them in the same way, wash their dishes
in the same order/way every month planned out. I do some many things in the
same way I don’t even remember half of them because by now it’s been so
naturally engrained.
I probably sound
like a book-definition case of some sort of anxiety/compulsive disorder: the very
case I’ve wanted to avoid for my own personal reasons. I’ve accepted, with some reluctance, my Bipolar Disorder and all
that adds up with it….recently I’ve accepted my probable, unofficial ADD. But any mental impact related to anxiety is one mental handicap (I don't use the word as shame and weakness but meaning a sort of barrier to complete normalcy) I most want to avoid and is very hard to even remotely acknowledge. In any case, I do not know or care what people may assert or not assert. This is my existence as it is, whatever the cause(s).
Back to the original dialogue, my mom and I were discussing how
I feel I could never marry an entrepreneur-minded man. She said it well what I
could not put my finger on. “You’ve had so much instability, you need (and
seek) security in a man.” That led me to think about all these things that have
added up from my habits to that perspective and other things….now I realize I
really need security. Why? Because I’ve had instability in my life but also
more and more I realize how I’m unstable. Not emotionally, habitually,
spiritually, etc…I am happier, more stable than ever. But…I am over
hyperactive, I do ramble, I do have Bipolar, I am that planner, I do lose
things objects, I am a klutz, I
forget certain things easily with lack of focus, I am easily distracted, I fidget almost constantly and can't sit still for very long, and so many other things...
But. I am
strong. I fight for stability. I fight to overcome my need for planning and
instead I give it to God and relax myself. I fight when I help remind myself of where I
place things, of focusing, of keeping track when driving, of using skills to
help me in driving directions so I don't get lost in the midst of this big city I am new to. I fight when I laugh at myself when I fall down,
drop my keys and then my lunch and then my purse and then my groceries! I fight
when I make jokes about my needs for planning for making a list for a list for making a
plan for a plan. I fight when I focus on the happy times instead of the times I
cry. And you know what? I collapsed, crying in the closet for an hour the other
day (for the first time since coming to Dallas) with everything adding up so I
cracked….My mind pounded…I laid down, calmed for fifteen minutes. And as I
dressed for work, I was already laughing. Back then, I never laughed when that
moment (which added up to a thousand) happened. This is now because I have
fought all my life. And I have fought with God’s power. Almost every day I can
tell you some habit I have decided to butt heads with and try something
(wildly) new.
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